Stop!!!!........... the last text I received from you. Instantly I deleted your contacts and all messages so that I couldn't. I know as well as your do that to text you after that would be harassment! I have vowed to myself never to text you again; never to email except for factual and unambiguous necessities. I have removed you from my Linkedin contacts and relieved to have never requested your friendship on FB. It hurts too much to see your updates sometimes. The fun I have hoped for with you for all this time.
2 weeks earlier: I email to ask if you are okay. You chose to text a reply for some reason, having ignored my previous 10 messages and after I'd told you I had deleted your number so I couldn't text you. I tried not to but part of me that is a flicker of hope said that you wanted me to have your number. I am only a mere man so obviously got that wrong but cut me no slack? You text me then ignore my replies for a week. It drives me crazy; I have the worst week at work, well Mon and Tue this week. I was too ill/depressed/gutted to make it in the other three days. On the Wednesday I get the Stop!!!... I am so sorry to have upset / angered you. Just like I'm so sorry to not have the intelligence not to speak the desperate volumes of my love/desire/longing/heartache for you. Five years now. A morsel here and there before devastation again and each time a wall of silence to my endless credo to you. 100,000 words in email over this time, serving only to add nails in my own coffin. The last three days? Thoughts of wanting the diagnosis of a terminal illness that would be the reason for you keeping your distance from me; thoughts of wanting to fade away. Major conflict with my desire to be there for my own children as I want to for yours; for wanting to be here should you ever change your mind yet again and want me in your life. Good sense won through the pain; resolve to keep myself in the best order I can just in case. I have already promised to wait for you forever; that the thought of having just a few years at the end of my life with you would make it worth it.
I could so easily adapt to be exactly what you want. We have never spent one night together as lovers yet you have teased and tempted me with your comments and gestures. Anyway, I have joined the gym at the local leisure centre. Spent my Friday evening there this evening; workout and spa to relax. Thinking how wonderful it would be to have you there too and how P would love the leisure pool. As I do whenever I've been away or to any event without you. It was there I thought of creating this blog. Just like I emailed you every day when you went to Thailand, to show my loyalty and faithfulness. How long did I keep that up before you even contacted me to let me know you were safe?!
Anyway, you may never read this and will never be forced to. It's not sent to you; no harassment charges possible. Others may read this and make of it what they will. I have only one intention; that it will stand as testament to my loyalty and faithfulness to you one day in the future when you may decide to speak to me and believe that I will be good enough for you. When you judge me less harsh and maybe give us a proper chance to lie together - literally and metaphorically. I hope you either read this or I feel you don't need to, before I die. Thought I would leave instructions with my two to share it with you if I do. In the meantime; my outlet for all the words and thoughts I have of you every day (or some of them at least).
Want to tell you I love you every day so I will end each post with:
I love you TB :o)
I hope that you see me!
